BATTLE HYMN OF SCHUTZHUND

Mine eyes have seen the terror of the coming schutzhund trial,
I have handed in my scorebook, but my brain is in denial,
I'll be looking for the port-a-potty in a little while,
I wish I'd stayed in bed.

Glory, glory, with a lightning fast retrieve,
Glory, glory, with a full grip on the sleeve,
A qualifying score is what I'm hoping to receive,
Because we train so hard!

I thought I was prepared to handle any circumstance,
My dog went down the first leg and I thought we had a chance,
Then he circled on the corner and I almost s**t my pants,
The points are coming off!

Glory, glory etc.

The judge gave me the signal and I gave my dog a call,
He hit me like a freight train and he nearly broke my balls,
I'd have me a chihuahua, if I had some sense at all!
The points are coming off!

Glory, glory, etc.

We went to do protection, it's his favorite part, you see,
I sent him out to search six blinds, he thought that he'd run three,
He ignored me for the callout, he can be so ornery!
The points are coming off!

Glory, glory, etc.

It's amazing, it's a wonder that we got a passing score!
My dog has done so many things he's never done before,
But this schutzhund is addictive, and we'll all be back for more,
I'm glad this trial is done!

Glory, glory, with a lightning fast retrieve,
Glory, glory, with a full grip on the sleeve,
A qualifying score is what I'm hoping to receive,
Because we train so hard!
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"ODE TO THE WORKING DOG"

(to the tune of "Of All the Girls I've Loved Before")
To all the dogs I have loved before
I feel like a revolving door
I'm glad you came along

but, bet there's something wrong
Like all the dogs I've loved before
To all the dogs I've once caressed
Your pedigree said your the best
But then you showed your nerves
Your head was full of birds
Back to the one you loved before...
To all the dogs that once lived here
Whose heads were really SUPER clear
Here Fido take 3 sips..
They say it fixes hips..
I've never seen it work before..
To all of those who's hips x-rayed..
It looked as though we had it made..
Vet said "before you go
Let's check out those elbows.."
I've driven home alone before..
To all the dogs with joints so tight
See that guy..Wanna fight?
It's just a little stick

You get back in there quick
I swear he's never run before..
To all the dogs that love to bite..
Don't want to see a hint of light
Between the mouth and sleeve..
Now let's do the retrieve..
You've never had so much fun before
See that wood thing, It's a dumbbell, Pick it up or you'll go straight to hell. Then fetch it over here, and swing your rear, back to my left again...
For those who finish force retrieve
Who's drive and spirit never leave
Out fast then come straight back
Guess what it's time to track
Some guy you've never met before
To all the dogs who came this far
You get run over by a car?
You may get a koerklass
If your handler kisses ass
I think I've seen it done before
To all the dogs who made the breed
Now it's time to sow your seed
Let's see if you can throw
The stuff we've come to know
It rarely has been done before
And now the pups are finally here
Hey lookie at that floppy ear
And why so critical
It's just ONE testicle
And I've seen missing teeth before
To all the dogs that make their "3"
And pass it to their progeny
Now, could one ask for more?
You betcha! Up the score
I've never made the "team" before
To all of those who can compete
This really is an awesome feat
Consider all the odds
Then thank the doggie gods..
AND ALL THE DOGS YOU'VE LOVED BEFORE!!!!!
Becky Wendlandt
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'Tis the Day of Agility

by Dawn Prib

'Tis the day of agility, and all 'round the ring
The handlers prepare, while most dogs are napping.
Course maps we examine, planning front cross and rear.
We're all a bit nervous, but we show no fear.

First comes the walk through; it has to be split.
Two hundred at once just won't fit.
We plan how to signal, to turn, and to cross.
If we don't get it right, it's a $20 loss.

Next is the briefing from the agility judge.
The table is a down, and she will not budge.
Remember four-paws or you'll be forced to quit.
The course times are posted; we hope to make it.

The score table is ready, jump bars are all set.
The dogs are all walked, their every need met.
Final rituals performed outside of the course.
In just 60 seconds it'll be joy or remorse.

The judging begins, first tall dogs then small.
Everyone on the line at the gate steward's call.
The first dog - she Q's! A good way to start.
The next handler gets lost, and the run falls apart.

Another dog makes it, then one is too slow.
That dog and handler put on quite a show!
Some do not touch, and some knock a bar.
Table faults, refusals, and wrong courses there are.

I wait in line for my turn for a run.
When, oh when will the 20's be done?
My dog's name is called; it's our turn, there's no doubt.
The timer says "Go!", and two jumps I lead out.

"Jump! Jump! Walk! Table!" then "Climb!"
We have to hurry or we'll run out of time.
Don't turn too soon or the jump will come down.
Then we'll have an NQ and leave with a frown.

Into the weaves, twelve poles - don't pop out.
"Here! Tunnel! Jump!" I say in a shout.
"Teeter!" then "Tire!" another "Jump!" then the "Chute!"
Run fast and run clean. Now's no time to be cute.

We're nearing the end with no faults so far.
Don't celebrate yet, or we'll knock the last bar.
Three jumps to go, and then only two.
We've just crossed the line, and hurray, it's a Q!

I grab up my dog and quick, find the leash.
Congrats and applause. The dog just wants treats.
Petting and loving and food he gets too.
Another tough course, but we made it through.

To the score table I go to pick up our sheet.
By how many seconds did course time we beat?
Fifteen it says with a big, smiley Q.
It's not only a leg, it's a new title too!

While I wait for our ribbons, a first place and a green,
Of MACH I do so hopefully dream.
It's a long road ahead, and we may never get there.
We'll have fun just the same no matter how we might fare.

Thanks to the clubs, the judges, and all who volunteer.
Without your many efforts we would not be here.
With our dogs on the weekends it's agility we choose.
FAST RUNS FOR ALL, AND FOR ALL DOUBLE Q's!

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EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

--Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed. DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan. DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
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OK, as your dog I want to state what can piss me off Bigtime:

When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
Blaming your farts on me...not funny.
Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!
How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat?)
Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. (Exactly whose walk is this anyway?)
Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.
Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, your just jealous.
Dog sweaters. Have you noticed my fur?
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
When you insist on picking up the piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there.
The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?

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THE LAZY WAY OF TEACHING SCENT ARTICLES

Ask your dog to retrieve one of your shoes. When they do so reliably, invite a friend over for coffee (two or three friends if you have a smart dog). If you're even lazier than me, have them bring the coffee. When they arrive, make them kick off their shoes into a pile. (If your dog is really stupid, invite a lumberjack with steel toes boots) Throw your shoe on top of the pile. Ask you dog to retrieve your shoe. Once they do that, they have the concept and you can substitute, one dumbbell for your shoe. When they will retrieve both your leather and metal dumbbell from the visitors shoes, you can then have friends put out dumbbells and you put yours. I have German shepherds so they do this nearly the first time you try it. With other breeds you might have to add coffee cake to keep your friends coming over until the dog gets it. **************************************************************

Bumper Sticker

"This car is unlocked and the keys are under the Dobermann"
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HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that damned stupid lamp! Rottweiler: Make me. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time the finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch. Shih-Tzu: Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toys in the dark...... Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover..... Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.... Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.... Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb? Hound Dog ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz.z.z.z..z..z..z...z Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?
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Cajun Technology

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world, and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After five years they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dogfight, the Americans showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves." "Da's nothin", said T-Cat, the Cajun, representing the Americans. "We had our bess plastic surgins workin' fo' five year to make a alligator look like a weenie dog."
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Rule number 1)

" That's not in MY rulebook!"
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Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland"

Dog tags ring, are you listenin'? In the lane, snow is glistenin'. It's yellow, NOT white - I've been there tonight, Marking up my winter wonderland. Smell that tree? That's my fragrance. It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants; "Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty! Marked up as my winter wonderland." In the meadow dad will build a snowman, following the classical design. Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man, So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine! Straight from me to the fencepost, flows my natural incense boast; "Stay off of my TURF, this small piece of earth, I marked it as my winter wonderland.
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some small cartoons I did while learning Flash.

Come
Track
C work (not finished)
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10 Rules of Schutzhund

If you don't find any food within the first 6 meters of the track...forget it, there isn't any. You can break off the track.
Save your nose, only use it for corners!
Ignore articles that are smaller than a brick.
Don't forget - the group is there to molest someone.
Never go in correct basic position, it only makes the handler happy.
Only retrieve when forced. Remember, the dumbbell is YOURS!
Save energy! Set your feet on the hurdle. Freestyle jumping is a common sport.
Go directly to the helper. Forget the other blinds, they are empty anyway.
Get a full bite in the blind - that IMPRESSES!
Never let go of the sleeve, the helper has to give it to you at some point anyway.

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Jane was an obedience competitor. As the years progressed she became more and more of a fanatic. One day it occurred to her that Heaven might not have obedience trials. She soon became obsessed with this puzzling question. It began to interfere with her every day life. As a last resort she went to a fortune teller. The fortune teller asked her "Why have you come?" Jane blurted out " Ohhh I just have to know are there obedience trials in heaven?" The fortune teller sighed and began to peer into her crystal ball. Finally she said "I have good news and bad news." Jane could hardly contain herself she said "Ohhhh please tell me are there obedience trials in heaven?" The fortune teller nodded and said "Yes there are." Jane clapped her hands and began to cry with relief then she stopped short and said "You said there was bad news too. What is it?" The fortune teller shrugged and said "You are entered on this Saturday."

SCHUTZHUND - Schutzhund Training

Humor

Humor related to dogs and training